One year ago......

...we had hopped a plane and were flying to Africa (for our very first time, I might add). Three and 1/2 years of waiting, aching, praying, groaning, crying (me), begging, changing time lines again and again,  and being brought to our knees in a way we never had experienced before…... and finally, here we were. 

It was finally our turn. 
It was really happening. 
Still today, one year later, I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that it really happened. 

We arrived at our hotel and went to bed, the next morning (August 6) our girls would be brought to us. I was so nervous, excited, mind racing, trying to soak up every minute of this time. I slept very little that night. Our lives were about to change..forever. The next morning we paced the room, peeked out the curtains, checked the clock, peeked out the curtains. We jumped every time a car drove by. Time stood still and of course they were 4 hours late. 

And then, there they were….teeny, tiny and beautiful. A quick, “hey they wake up at this time and take a nap at that time” and by the way “ this one is very active”, and then the van door shut and they were gone and there we were, all alone with our girls. 

{oh happy day, August 6, 2013}

We spent 3 weeks in-country before we were able to go home. I wish I could say that those 3 weeks were like a fairy tale. But, the truth is, it was hard. There were a lot of nights my husband and I stayed up rocking at the end of the bed looking at each other like deer in the headlights. Each one thinking, but not dare speaking, “what have we done.”

I would try to relate this whole experience in my mind to how my boys would feel in this situation.... 

“ What if something happened to mom and dad and there was no one to take care of you. What if someone from China came to pick you up. They hugged and kissed all over you as they spoke in words to you that had no meaning. They changed your clothes and fed you new foods that you had never tasted. They had expectations for you that no one had ever asked of you before. Then, they took you on a plane to a foreign land. When you stepped off the plane, the sights, sounds and smells were so strange to you. You greatly grieved the only life you have ever known. Anything familiar to you has vanished and you begin new life. You are sad, you grieve, you are scared.” 

This is exactly how our girls felt.

I hesitate in writing so honestly for fear of judgement. But, I also know that when I read all the “love at first sight” posts and “can’t imagine our lives without them”, that I would feel guilty and ashamed that this wasn’t our story. I am writing these details to encourage someone that might be having a difficult time. To know that these feeling are "normal" (I hope!) and that time really does heal wounds.

I remember back when my 10 year old son was a newborn. There was nothing more that I wanted than to be a mom. When that little guy was handed to me, something permanently changed inside of me. My love for him was fierce. And then, he cried.non-stop. every day, all day for 3 months. All my Baby Wise books were were thrown out the window, some baby blues stepped in. I thought I was a terrible mom because I couldn’t make him follow any of the books. I was holding him “too much”, he wasn’t sleeping “enough” (or at all). I remember rocking him in the yellow velour recliner and staring out the window thinking, “my life will never be the same”. I will never go out with my husband again, Heck, I won’t ever leave the house again. Hold that thought, would I ever shower again? I loved him intensely, but this was not how I pictured my life would be as a mom. And then, without even realizing when it stopped, IT stopped, the crying and the pain and my life got to a new normal. It was so hard to even remember that hard season that directly after his first birthday, we were pregnant with his little brother! Time heals wounds. 

I say all this story above, because it reminds me so much of our first year with the girls. The first few months were hard. We still have hard days today (although they are much fewer and further between). They were different than I expected. I felt/feel like a failure of a mom. Instead of time-ins and re-do’s like Karyn Purvis prescribed, I was angry, frustrated, sad, took things personally. I went to bed guilty most nights of how I handled situations. To top if off, after the honeymoon of having little sisters wore off, my kids were fighting 24/7. I didn’t know if life would ever be the same again. I didn’t know if all 4 of my kids could be healthy and happy. It seemed like there wouldn’t be a light at the end of the tunnel. And then there was. I can’t remember the day that things changed, but they did. 

As I watch my kids today, I just have to whisper, “only Jesus”. Grainger (8) and Esther (6) do chores together at the same time every morning. “are you working on your bed now?” “me too”! “Ok, start cleaning your room now and I’ll clean mine.” Just so they can get done at the same time to draw together. And Asher (4) loves to lay on her biggest brothers’ back (10) while they watch movies. They now have secret jokes and and imaginary games together. They quote favorite movie lines and laugh big belly laughs together. It truly is amazing to see. 

So life isn’t “back to normal”..... because we now have a new normal. It is good, it feels like home together. We aren’t perfect and we’re still working through some things. I have learned that most of our problems aren't so much my children's behavior, but me. All my sin has been magnified through this experience and it ain’t pretty.  But, I am thankful that God won’t allow me to stay as I am, but continually wants to bring me to higher places. And just like in marriage when there are rough patches and hard places…you don’t give up! You pray, read books, seek counsel, get any help you can because your spouse is worth it. It’s the same way for us and adoption. We humble ourselves and ask for help, we read books, seek counsel, change. We continually find ways we can grow together as a family, because these 2 right here are absolutely worth it!

{one year later}

We had to be in the city for some dr. appts. and immigration paper work, so we tried to add in some fun to celebrate! We ate pizza, played on a playground, ate ice cream and went to our first Malawian movie theatre and watched Jungle Book (girls first ever theatre experience)! We also have been enjoying watching our video again and again :)

Little things, but big treats here!

We are so thankful that God took us on this journey, even on the hard days. We are so blessed to get to be the parents of these sweeties. I can't believe how far we have come this past year!